heartbreaker

I am always acted upon, I rarely act. This always leads to confusion and hurt. More pain on my part because I over think it, I think. I ridicule myself for letting anyone get that close, because all they’ll find is a wall with no ladder, no long braid, no way through. Some make more progress than others, but they all end walking away  in the end. And I’m left will a bunch of broken pieces. Heartbreaker.   My lab partner called it in eighth grade, he was dead on.  I’ve left more destruction in my wake than a rampant lion. One potential wall climber asked why, why I couldn’t let anyone get close. I didn’t know how to respond because I don’t know why, probably because I have always looked down on relationships. Because I am afraid. He could tell I was closed, and I didn’t know how to open,  I still don’t. Someone will get close, take my hand or put an arm around me, and I allow it for the moment, because I don’t want to hurt them, but I end up hurting them anyways -- when I run. I run when I’m scared, when I feel that someone is getting too close. When I feel my wall being breached. I distance myself; keep going until I feel safe. Until I can’t see the pain I caused them, but I feel it, because I can only imagine the hurt they feel. They laid down their feelings, put their heart on the line and I smile, and take for the hills.